So, a very interesting thing happened this past Thursday, which is largely what prompted my post from Thursday. Someone who used to be in authority over me said a bunch of things which were untrue. He later took them back, but I believe he had no right to say such things in the first place.

He said such things as:

  • Your lack of commitment to prior projects shows a lack of the most basic ethics. (This was about work that was fully documented and approved in its handoff process. For example, I was told that my documentation was a model for other people writing documentation.)
  • The reason that you respond this way is because you’re racist. (I can’t even begin to explain where this statement comes from… Not saying that I don’t still operate in a system which causes racism—no one’s really innocent in that regard. But I think I have more than the average awareness, and more than the average response to racism.)
  • One example of your racism is that you expect appreciation for your work. (This was because I was upset that I busted my butt to finish a special additional project him during a busy time, and did not even receive acknowledgement of receipt, let alone a thank you. (Granted, that I had communicated via email which is a poor method of communication for him, but still… I cannot believe that there is any healthy race/culture where people are not appreciated for their work.))

I think there might have been a couple more things, but these are the only ones that I recall right now, and I’m writing them down partially because I’m so prone to forget. And though these words hold no truth power over me, I cannot let them disappear completely. I think anyone who knows me even halfway decently will know that these allegations are completely unfounded and untrue, and to say such untruths… Let’s just say it’s not chool.

In his defense, I’ll point out that he responded this way because he thought that I had called to tell him that I would never do anything for him again, and he had a project that he urgently needed finished and I’m more or less the only person he knows who can do it, plus he’s under a lot of stress right now. Still, I’d contend that even if that were true, it doesn’t make any of the things he said about me true.

Oh, writing this reminds me of one more thing he said.

  • If you do this to me, I’m going to get you back. (What is that? I think he meant that he would call me out and identify what he perceived about how I was responding, not that he was going to hire thugs or anything, but what does it sound like to you?)

Okay, so here’s the thing that most of you will find pretty crazy. I’m going to do that quick project that he needs done. Now, this project is going to take me a maximum of an hour to do, but I know as well as you do that the healthiest thing for me to do is just to walk away completely from a toxic environment. But listen to my motivations:

  • The job will probably take me a half hour. An hour, tops.
  • I still care very much about the success of this organization. This project is an important part of its success.

Okay, seems reasonable so far. But keep listening:

  • This person is pretty well respected in both the Boston community and the national community. There’s a tiny bit of me that can’t fully disregard what he says because I know so many people who trust him.
  • Related to that, he knows a lot of people who know me. There’s the part of me that fears he’s going to spin wild stories about me that will turn people whom I like very much but don’t see regularly against me.

Here’s the kicker though. Hope I’m not giving anyone who reads this too much power over me:

  • Truth is incredibly important to me. I hate all sorts of untruths, but the ones I hate the most are the ones spoken about me. I cannot abide by anyone, even someone whom I know I should disregard, saying untruths about me.

Some examples:

  • A high school teacher told me that I should not take the AP exam in U.S. History. He told me that I would be lucky to get a 3 on the exam. I took it, mostly just to show him. I got a 5, of course.
  • I have a reputation that I can eat a lot (though my appetite has certainly waned in the past couple years as my metabolism has slowed). A friend of mine who has never witnessed me at a buffet (which is usually where I get the reputation) often joked that it’s all lies. To his great credit, last night we were having dinner together, and I brought up some of this stuff that I’m writing about today, and he instantly apologized and didn’t say anything about it again. Clearly he was just joking and having fun, and didn’t realize that I’m so screwy. ;)

So yes. Part of why I’m doing this project is because I want to prove that I’m extremely ethical about my work (just ask my current boss—he knows). I want to prove that I’m not racist (because being racist is unfairly mixed in with whether or not I do the project). I somehow can’t rest in the knowledge that my friends know the truth, or even that God loves me regardless, and will work in me to bring me to a holiness that I can barely imagine.

I know I shouldn’t care what he thinks. But I do. As he said these things about me, I just got more and more angry. But it’s like the old joke about people who are in denial… Their denial of the denial is just more evidence. You can’t win.

And the larger, more pertinent question is this: how much of my life and my life’s decisions have been about proving people wrong about me?

I really don’t know the answer to that question.