It’s the first time in a long time that I feel somewhat rested during the weekend (read: I feel like taking some time to post). I think it has a lot to do with my cutting back on hours during work… March and April were killer months for me, but I’ve retreated a lot from my work life, which has been very good!
I think I’ve also been thinking about some things that I don’t really know what to do with yet.
The Spirit of the Disciplines: Secrecy
I was really struck by the concept of “secrecy” as presented by Dallas Willard’s The Spirit of the Disciplines. In brief, the idea is that it’s good to keep our good deeds and qualities from being known. I think this is one of Jesus’ teachings that I’ve read, but filtered out as being unrealistic (there are more of those, I’m sure). Or I’ve read it through the lens of Asian American self-degradation (oh, I’m not very good at that) and summarily rejected it as an unhealthy view of self.
The truth is I want people to know when I’ve done something good. It’s hard to hold it back. Sure, I may cloud it with reasoning like, “I want to challenge people to give more and a good way is by showing how much I give.” Or it’s because it rankles my sense of justice when I (or anyone else) am not recognized for the things I (or they) have done. But ultimately, I think it damages my ability rely on God alone as my only source. I don’t say this in a Dark Ages, “consign yourself to a life of misery for an eternity of joy” sort of way, but… I just think that if Christianity is to have any consistency, God must be our ultimate source of… well… everything.
Willard goes on to point out that the love and humility that this teaches “encourages us to see our associates in the best possible light, even to the point of our hoping they will do better and appear better than us.” This is the point I find most intriguing. It is very difficult for me to wish better for others than myself. I’m content to wish good for someone after I’ve achieved it first… but before me? That’s painful to me and, I suspect, to most people.
(I consider it a point of no small joy that as far as I can tell, I wish T’s success even above my own. It tells me there’s something right about our relationship. 
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This point is the most intriguing of all because Willard says: “Really pull for them and rejoice for their successes. If Christians were universally to do this for each other, the earth would soon be filled with the knowledge of God’s glory.” I believe there’s merit in this line of thinking. But we are a competitive and selfish people… It’s so natural that most of the people I was studying this with had no sense at all that there is anything wrong with desiring acknowledgment and praise from other people (rather than from God alone), despite what we had just read in the Bible. I do not doubt that it feels good, but when is how good something makes us feel ever been the best judge of whether or not it is good for us?
What I don’t know, though, is how to move towards this way of thinking. Perhaps the beginning is just to pray for a changed heart for myself and for the genuine good of others.
A Culture of Wealth
On my way back to my apartment the other day, I saw a little child in a very simple stroller, like the kind I used to ride in when I was a child. I was struck by this because I realized I never see strollers like that at my church. All the strollers that I see are extremely fancy and probably cost $100 or more. And while there’s nothing inherently wrong with that, it struck me that that had become so normal to me. Though I have a desire to “live simply so that others my simply live,” I realize that I need other voices to keep reminding me. It is difficult to be in the world but not of it… the more we are in the world, the more it influences us. I desire for people (starting with T) with whom I can challenge the presuppositions of the world.
A good place to start or continue on that road will be at Pastor Gary’s seminar on “It’s Just Money” (with the play on words in “just”). I’ll be attending the session this Saturday (5/19) at CCFC from 10:30-3:30 and I’d encourage anyone who has thought at all about God and money to join us. (RSVPs to Gary would probably be appreciated.)
So anyway… Just a few of the things that I’ve been thinking about more recently. Hopefully I will continue to have the mental space to write about it… and hopefully that will mean that my writing will begin to improve again. 
We’ll see!
P.S. Thanks for all the congratulations and well-wishes! It’s exciting to know that people from all over the world are happy for us!
