tubby, little, cubby, all stuffed with fluff

Well, I’m minutes away from leaving the apartment…  First to church and then immediately to the airport where I’ll get on the plane with a borrowed copy of Harry Potter and soon I’ll be back in Taiwan for the first time in 15-20 years!

Wow!  2 weeks of vacation with You-Know-Who (no, not the scary one).

I can’t wait. 

Too chool: www.simpsonizeme.com

Hopefully you can’t tell the difference (‘cause everything still works?) but I’ve just upgraded my WordPress installation to 2.2.1… A little overdue considering I was way back on 1.5.something. I notice, of course, that my photos haven’t worked for a while. I’ll probably try to upgrade it to some sort of thing that looks at Picasa at some point, since that’s where I store my pictures these days. Does anyone have recommendations?

But re: Talents… This is one of the many things I’ve been thinking about in the past few days. You probably know how the parable goes, but roughly, some benevolent-master-type goes off to a distant country, but before he does, he gives his servants some money, each according to their ability. To person #1 (let’s call her Andrea), he gives five talents (which was a pretty hefty sum of money), to person #2 (Boris), he gives two, and to Chucky, he gives a measly one. He gave to each in accordance with their abilities. Well, they do various stuff with the money and then after a while he comes back. Andrea has made five on top of her original five, Boris has made two on top of his original two, and Chucky just buried his in the ground and gives him the original one back. The master is really happy with Andrea and Boris, but rips into Chucky.

So what have I been thinking about? Seems straightforward enough, doesn’t it? I’d never really paid a whole lot of attention beyond “Be like A or B. Don’t be like C.” As I’ve been thinking about it some more, though, I realized that that a lot of my angst has been trying to figure out whether I was A or B, and fearing that I was C. Let me explain:

The “problem” with this parable is that it’s too neat. A has 5 and makes 5 and the master is happy. B has 2 and makes 2. But what if A had 5 and made 2? What if A made 6? Would the master be more happy? Less? And as I asked above, are we A or B and how do we know when we’ve made “enough”? Perhaps that’s the wrong question, but I think it has to be asked.

Not to be arrogant or anything, but I’ve always considered myself to be A. Most everyone who’s reading this is A too… middle-class or higher in the U.S. and college educated. Yeah, we’ve been given a lot of “talents.” This, of course, means that I want to get A’s return on investment. But how do you define that? See the problem?

Part of why I’m on my current career path is because I’m trying to make sure I make my five more. As the VP (and eventually Prez or COO or some other similar title) of a growing business, I’m making a case for the next company that I work for. I think it’s honestly tough for an Asian American to get noticed in the workplace, and so I’m making the most of a place where I’ve already proven myself and been given some reward for it. The next place (hopefully somewhere like World Vision) or something, I’ll theoretically just get to execute rather than working myself up again from the bottom.

Since I don’t really know how God measures things, my best measure is the world’s standards where people who make money and have influence are considered “better.” And having money and influence and using them for God’s purposes… I find it tough to imagine that that’s not at least somewhat useful.

But is it five talents? That’s the question, and I don’t know the answer to that. I’ve probably already disregarded some career paths because I figured I couldn’t make the right ROI in them. I think (subconsciously), “Yeah, that might be an interesting career path, but I could make three, maybe four tops, there.”

But as we know, God’s measurements have always been upside-down, so someone like Mother Teresa, whose career path I probably wouldn’t have even considered (donation-supported caring for the terminally ill), has made a few thousand talents off what she was given. And I’m left to wonder, how do I really contribute the most to God’s purposes? How does my one small life make a difference for the poorest of the poor? How do I effect justice in an unjust world? Probably not by becoming some cog in the machine at World Vision (faithful as they are).  But where?  How?

As you might imagine, this becomes even more important now that I’m engaged.  My fiancée has such talent and vision that if I don’t find my voice, I’m liable to get overpowered and subsumed in hers.  Fortunately, I know that we both have the potential for even greater voices than we have right now, so I don’t worry too much about it…  but I know that if I’m complacent and I stop looking, then, well, she’d be marrying the wrong guy.  I don’t think she is.  :)  I think we’re very right for each other!

So…  What do you think?  How many talents were you given, and how do you measure the talents you’ve earned?  (And I know that’s probably the wrong question, so what is the right question?)  I know we’re all still figuring stuff out, but I’d like to think we know a little bit more than what we knew back in college…

So this morning I went to my first session with S and L Walker, for “personal Life/Work Direction.” It feels like a really indulgent thing to do, but there have been many people who have benefited from their wisdom and insight before, and the company is helping with the bills, so what have I got to lose? They encouraged me to start keeping a journal about the things I’m learning. I’m not sure it’s entirely wise to do so online, but hey… Why not? At least for now…

The first session (maybe the first three sessions at the rate I’m going?) was about “my story.” Basically, I was asked to share vignettes about my life. I started sharing and barely 5 minutes into the story L interrupted and said that this would be a good time for some Listening Prayer. We didn’t stop for it at that time, though I’ve spent a little time since then trying to discern what God might be saying.

A few themes have emerged so far for my life though… There are questions of achievement and my notions of success; there’s a theme of good being called out vs. external pressures being applied; questions about my attitudes towards discipline and to grace…

Success

This may be the issue that I will keep coming back to again and again. Pretty core to my identity is the question of whether I’ve done well enough, if I’ve made good enough use of what has been given to me. I recognize that I am one who has been given a lot. And a lot of my personal angst has been about whether I’m making good use of it. I feel a little tied in pursuing my dreams, because some things that might be dreams seem a little foolish or a “waste” of my talents. The problem is, I don’t really know what my most core dreams are, what story I’m to be a part of, not fully yet anyway. I think if I knew that with certainty, then feelings of “waste” be d**ned… I would pursue my dreams. I hope that that’s true anyway. But I know that I still need some help finding those dreams.

Fortunately, I have an incredible woman by my side who is devoted to me and to helping me find those dreams. Sorry! I’m not going to get sidetracked, much as I’d like to.

But as I was saying, there are certain things that I’ve considered pursuing (med school back in college, and business school more recently), because they seemed to be a “better” use of my talents. No, you don’t need to lecture me about my skewed value system that places some careers as “better” than others (or at least that won’t be the best way to reach me), but there’s definitely still an internal value system that I have which puts some blinders on me, I know.

At some level, I just want to make my parents proud. At another level, I want to make my Daddy in Heaven proud. I know I could do that if I found a career that I really excelled at, and really loved, but at some level my parents’ theory is that if I don’t know what I want to do yet, why not at least do well at what you’re doing in the meantime. It’s hard to argue with that logic, except that I don’t particularly enjoy what I’m currently doing. At least I feel a little better about work right now than I have for a while…

Maybe it’s fine to write this online. I’m so stream-of-consciousness that I’m sure most people have stopped reading. Phew!

But yeah… really, ultimately what I want to find is something that I really love doing. I know some elements of that… it will make a positive impact in people’s lives, probably for the poorest in the world… actually, that’s all I really know right now. No idea what it will be, or what my path will be to get there. But I’m excited to find out!

Being called out

One interesting story I related had to do with my four years in Marching Band. One aspect that S & L found intriguing was why I was so dedicated to the group seeing as the directors were not particularly hailed as inspiring. There were a lot of reasons for that I’m sure, having to do with the history of the band, and my friendships with other people who joined with me, but one that I hadn’t thought of before was being called out and named. In particular, as a freshman trumpet player, I was called to join the first trumpet section. In my four years in the band, that was never done again (well, except that my friend M was called to be in the first trombones that same year). I think part of my hard work was because I wanted them to know that they had made no mistake in naming me among the first trumpets.

I think I do well when people see “greatness” in me and call it out. But I do much less well when I am named something but not allowed to fulfill that role. Case in point: “Director of Technology” at TechMission or “Vice President” at my current company. In both cases I have the title, but, I think, little of the actual responsibility, which I find/have found extremely demotivating.

Hmm… The problem with that, I guess, is that eventually people stop calling you out and you start needing to call others. I suppose that the one who will always be able to call me, and in fact knows my real name is God. So I need to listen for his voice.

Discipline & Grace

Also on the subject of Marching Band, but also in life in general, I have been a highly principled person, highly sensitive to right and wrong, and able to commit unflaggingly to what I consider “right.” There is potential for enormous strength in this, in loyalty and in discipline. But the problem is there’s not a whole of room for grace in this, for the ability to adjust to what God is doing and how he is leading. I think about my relationship with my good friend and former roommate F. He taught me a lot about grace over the years, when I was inflexible towards him. Hopefully I have been living with that sort of grace towards T as well… I think I’ve learned a lot in this area. The struggle, perhaps, is to learn to cling with that discipline to God, and to thereby be sensitive to the way he gives grace.

Well… Those are the main three themes (so far), and my current responses to those. I suppose I should pray some more and see what God is saying into each. I also think I need to (as an aside) upgrade my WordPress installation one of these days… I think the input window in the new version is more conducive to these sorts of long posts… The current window isn’t really doing it for me.

And I hope not too many of you think this is self-indulgent tripe. My hope is that as I get into the habit of writing more, the quality and relevance to people who are not me will increase. But you gotta start with what you’ve got, and this is where I am right now. Enjoy!