So this morning I went to my first session with S and L Walker, for “personal Life/Work Direction.” It feels like a really indulgent thing to do, but there have been many people who have benefited from their wisdom and insight before, and the company is helping with the bills, so what have I got to lose? They encouraged me to start keeping a journal about the things I’m learning. I’m not sure it’s entirely wise to do so online, but hey… Why not? :) At least for now…

The first session (maybe the first three sessions at the rate I’m going?) was about “my story.” Basically, I was asked to share vignettes about my life. I started sharing and barely 5 minutes into the story L interrupted and said that this would be a good time for some Listening Prayer. We didn’t stop for it at that time, though I’ve spent a little time since then trying to discern what God might be saying.

A few themes have emerged so far for my life though… There are questions of achievement and my notions of success; there’s a theme of good being called out vs. external pressures being applied; questions about my attitudes towards discipline and to grace…

Success


This may be the issue that I will keep coming back to again and again. Pretty core to my identity is the question of whether I’ve done well enough, if I’ve made good enough use of what has been given to me. I recognize that I am one who has been given a lot. And a lot of my personal angst has been about whether I’m making good use of it. I feel a little tied in pursuing my dreams, because some things that might be dreams seem a little foolish or a “waste” of my talents. The problem is, I don’t really know what my most core dreams are, what story I’m to be a part of, not fully yet anyway. I think if I knew that with certainty, then feelings of “waste” be d**ned… I would pursue my dreams. I hope that that’s true anyway. But I know that I still need some help finding those dreams.

Fortunately, I have an incredible woman by my side who is devoted to me and to helping me find those dreams. Sorry! I’m not going to get sidetracked, much as I’d like to. ;)

But as I was saying, there are certain things that I’ve considered pursuing (med school back in college, and business school more recently), because they seemed to be a “better” use of my talents. No, you don’t need to lecture me about my skewed value system that places some careers as “better” than others (or at least that won’t be the best way to reach me), but there’s definitely still an internal value system that I have which puts some blinders on me, I know.

At some level, I just want to make my parents proud. At another level, I want to make my Daddy in Heaven proud. I know I could do that if I found a career that I really excelled at, and really loved, but at some level my parents’ theory is that if I don’t know what I want to do yet, why not at least do well at what you’re doing in the meantime. It’s hard to argue with that logic, except that I don’t particularly enjoy what I’m currently doing. At least I feel a little better about work right now than I have for a while…

Maybe it’s fine to write this online. I’m so stream-of-consciousness that I’m sure most people have stopped reading. Phew! :)

But yeah… really, ultimately what I want to find is something that I really love doing. I know some elements of that… it will make a positive impact in people’s lives, probably for the poorest in the world… actually, that’s all I really know right now. No idea what it will be, or what my path will be to get there. But I’m excited to find out!

Being called out


One interesting story I related had to do with my four years in Marching Band. One aspect that S & L found intriguing was why I was so dedicated to the group seeing as the directors were not particularly hailed as inspiring. There were a lot of reasons for that I’m sure, having to do with the history of the band, and my friendships with other people who joined with me, but one that I hadn’t thought of before was being called out and named. In particular, as a freshman trumpet player, I was called to join the first trumpet section. In my four years in the band, that was never done again (well, except that my friend M was called to be in the first trombones that same year). I think part of my hard work was because I wanted them to know that they had made no mistake in naming me among the first trumpets.

I think I do well when people see “greatness” in me and call it out. But I do much less well when I am named something but not allowed to fulfill that role. Case in point: “Director of Technology” at TechMission or “Vice President” at my current company. In both cases I have the title, but, I think, little of the actual responsibility, which I find/have found extremely demotivating.

Hmm… The problem with that, I guess, is that eventually people stop calling you out and you start needing to call others. I suppose that the one who will always be able to call me, and in fact knows my real name is God. So I need to listen for his voice.

Discipline & Grace


Also on the subject of Marching Band, but also in life in general, I have been a highly principled person, highly sensitive to right and wrong, and able to commit unflaggingly to what I consider “right.” There is potential for enormous strength in this, in loyalty and in discipline. But the problem is there’s not a whole of room for grace in this, for the ability to adjust to what God is doing and how he is leading. I think about my relationship with my good friend and former roommate F. He taught me a lot about grace over the years, when I was inflexible towards him. Hopefully I have been living with that sort of grace towards T as well… I think I’ve learned a lot in this area. The struggle, perhaps, is to learn to cling with that discipline to God, and to thereby be sensitive to the way he gives grace.

Well… Those are the main three themes (so far), and my current responses to those. I suppose I should pray some more and see what God is saying into each. I also think I need to (as an aside) upgrade my WordPress installation one of these days… I think the input window in the new version is more conducive to these sorts of long posts… The current window isn’t really doing it for me.

And I hope not too many of you think this is self-indulgent tripe. My hope is that as I get into the habit of writing more, the quality and relevance to people who are not me will increase. But you gotta start with what you’ve got, and this is where I am right now. :P Enjoy!