The real damage is done by those millions who want to “survive.” The honest men who just want to be left in peace. Those who don’t want their little lives disturbed by anything bigger than themselves. Those with no sides and no causes. Those who won’t take measure of their own strength, for fear of antagonizing their own weakness. Those who don’t like to make waves—or enemies. Those for whom freedom, honor, truth, and principles are only literature. Those who live small, mate small, die small. It’s the reductionist approach to life: If you keep it small, you’ll keep it under control. If you don’t make any noise, the bogeyman won’t find you. But it’s all an illusion, because they die too, those people who roll up their spirits into tiny little balls so as to be safe. Safe?! From what? Life is always on the edge of death; narrow streets lead to the same place as wide avenues, and a little candle burns itself out just like a flaming torch does. I choose my own way to burn. – Sophie Scholl

So I just posted this after who knows how long of not posting, went to church, and immediately felt rocked…  The quote still rings true, but the sermon has re-oriented the way I think about it.  It’s really difficult to sum up all the things I’m thinking, but suffice to say that I realized that I’m still a jumble of mixed motivations and unfulfilled desire.

One of the most challenging things that M said was that the reward for following Jesus is Jesus.  The reward for being generous in his name is getting more of his character of generosity.  You get the picture.

See, deep down in the places I don’t like to admit, I kind of like to think there’s some sort of reward for righteousness.  “…there is no one who has left house or brothers or sisters…for my  sake and for the gospel…who will not receive a hundredfold now in this time….”

And there is an amazing reward.  It’s just that we’re not always prepared to recognize Jesus as the amazing reward that he is.

I have much to think and pray about.  I’m so grateful that I have T as a partner in all of this.

I took a minor gamble on our tickets out to CA this summer…  Bought slightly more expensive tickets on a different airline because of a slightly better flight schedule and the chance to get some money back if the price dropped.  (Alaska & JetBlue (and maybe others?) apparently do not charge money to claim money for price drops.)

How do you know if your ticket price drops?  I was tracking on yapta.com.  They sent me an email at 10:50 pm letting me know the price had dropped with instructions on whom to call to ask for a voucher.  5 minutes later, I have a $60 voucher for future travel on JetBlue.

Not bad… 

Maybe I’ve just turned into a crotchedy old man, but I’m in the unhappy position of having liked both the New York Yankees and the Boston Celtics as a child and now…  I’m not particularly fond of either team.  It particularly galls me when Boston fans complain incessantly about the exorbitant payroll of the Yanks and yet are suspiciously unvocal about the Celtics acquisition of two All-Star players.  Granted, the Celtics’ payroll is still well within reason compared to the rest of the league (unlike the Yankees), but still…  For some reason it’s just hard for me to get very excited about traded players…

Maybe I need to get into minor league baseball and NCAA basketball or something like that…

My love wrote that I told her she had become cynical.  But really, I was talking about myself, about how I locked away a part of my heart a long time ago, and I don’t even know how to find it anymore.  So here I sit on the hot 3rd floor of my house and I’m trying to write, to recapture a glimmer of what I lost.  I don’t even know where to look for it.  But please, God, I need to find it again.

March 9, 2003.  It was the last time I would feel comfortable speaking in front of my church.  I had been assigned to recruit folks to help out with the World Missions Committee.  I was downstairs, preparing at the last minute, not knowing what to say, when music drifted down from above.  Our congregation was singing God’s praise, and that was exactly everything I wanted to say.  I wanted to tell everyone that God was so good and that he loved this world and that you and I could be a part of his work.  So I (perhaps stupidly) scrawled just a few notes down and went upstairs to be a part of the singing.  I was called up to the front by J (who presciently noted that no one knew what would happen when I was called to speak in front of the church) and I poured out just a bit of what I was feeling, what I had been experiencing.  God is good.  It’s such a simple truth, and so inexpressible.  I like what G said today about how we can’t ever fully explain God so we say things that are true of him, but it doesn’t really convey what we mean.  I feel stuck in that myself.  God is good.  But I spoke about God’s goodness and his plan for nigh on twenty minutes.  I felt like God was speaking through me and I barely knew what I was saying.  But suddenly S was waving his hands at me and cutting me off and I was confused, I was a wreck, I didn’t know what had happened, what I did wrong, but I felt deeply ashamed and I had to run out of there.  I think no one ever knew how much I hurt that day, except perhaps K.

That day I lost something vital inside of me.  Some of the passion, some of what made me alive, some of what made me sing and dance and shout for joy.  And I think any good that anyone has ever seen in me since then is just a dim reflection of a dim reflection…  testimony to how good God is that one might have seen that and believed in it.

You’re still reading?  I really don’t know what I’m saying, as you can probably tell.  I’m just going to keep writing and maybe somehow the truth will emerge or maybe I’ll get distracted and go do something else.  That’s the way of the world.  It throws distractions at you, makes you  forget about what’s important ‘cause you always have to do SOMEthing.

N asked me yesterday if I was still going to the U people.  Many people have asked me that over the years.  I think it was a fundamental part of who I was.  I was so touched being among them, loving and being loved by them.  Did I do any good?  Maybe, maybe not…  but I know something spoke deeply into me that summer.  If God is true, he’s the ONLY hope in this world.  We’ve been trying to change the world for thousands of years, but it’s always the same old story…  evil resurfaces, is beaten back, but is never defeated.  God?  He could do it, and my faith says that he will…  and that we get to be a part of it.  In some ways we need to be a part of it because it is by the very act of changing the world that we change ourselves and become redeemed.  I know the theology is not quite straight there, but I’m just writing and not editing so tough.  Don’t worry; I still know what’s what.  I think.

How does hope become so shattered that you can’t find all the pieces?  I’m sure I’ve found some of it, and again, I think it’s the little pieces that I found that dimly show who I could become that T has seen in me, but I can’t seem to talk about it with her or with anyone.  It’s like G said today…  you’re overwhelmed by the beauty and majesty of everything and you get up to speak about it and it all comes out as blah, blah, blah.  I don’t think I’ve ever been quite able to articulate how beautiful the gospel is, save that one day, and I don’t even know what words I said.

So now what next?  I’ve got an amazing life.  Incredible wife.  Great job; not what I want to do forever but a good training ground for just about anything.  Good friends.  But…  there must be more.  If I get complacent, forget about the war, evil will rear its ugly head again one of these days and attack me when I’m not looking, not watching.  I know this is true.  I can’t keep living just like this.  We are made for so much more.

But what?  Back to the beginning again.  What is God’s heart for me?  How do I find it?  He says he’s put it in me.  Why doesn’t it feel like it?  Has it gotten crusted over, wounded, hardened?  I long to live out of the freedom of Christ.  To dream incredible, huge, awe-inspiring dreams.  To touch lives deeply.  And to do it all out of the knowledge that it is not me, but it is God in me that is so amazing.

I spent a year praying for two things to happen.  Or perhaps for two things not to happen.  But in both cases evil triumphed and I was left shell-shocked.  There was a part of me that got beaten down again.  Evil.  Again.  Why? People pray and pray and where is God?

I watched Prince Caspian last night with friends.  Although it wasn’t true to the book, there was a scene where Peter sat before an image of Aslan and just asked for a sign, for anything.  I love it because it’s real.  I know that God is real, and have felt it deep in my bones, but sometimes…  I just don’t know.  So I take things into my own hands because I don’t know how to balance acting using my gifts on waiting on the one who gives them.

So here I am once again.  God is real, but I don’t even know what that means for me.  Fresh wind, fresh fire, come upon me again.  Don’t let evil win again.  Give me the words to speak, and the ears to hear, and the mind to comprehend.  Let us talk and challenge one another and push each other to pursue God all the more.

For he really is good.  Or we are to be pitied more than all people.

The biggest overarching theme has been around connectedness (systems and connections), but here are all the things that these stories have told me, along with illustrative examples of the feedback that fit into those categories. What do you think?

I enjoy being a part of a larger process

I enjoy the role of facilitator; It’s satisfying to play a part in coordinating a complicated large group feat; When others help it keeps it fun

I understand systems

I track beneath the surface of the game to explore its design; I enjoy testing my understanding of laws through applying them to solve riddles; I appreciate being given a structure to work with (rather than coming up with it myself

I am part of a larger story

I imagine into/look for my place, my part in the larger world; I like feeling a part of a bigger tradition; I work off of Jesus’ life

I bring people together

I try to bring disparate groups together; I am drawn in by connections

I solve puzzles

I am interested in the broad strokes and patterns that tie Old & New Testament together; I enjoy solving puzzles

I am motivated by a good process

Accountability helps me maintain momentum; I want my time used efficiently/well; I can work with a routine and enjoy its benefits (simplicity that enables personal presence)

I ask questions

I enjoy the Socratic method of teaching—leading through questioning; I respond well to discreet, well bounded risk taking

I pursue holiness

I am compelled by the pursuit of honor; The truth of the study calls me deeper with Jesus

I value written words

It’s important to me to write (right) out my words; To abandon my written words abandons the work I did on it

I explore cultures

I study the ways of different cultures; Curiosity and imagination allow me to be fully occupied when alone

One thing that was helpful for me to realize is that I’m motivated by a “good” process.  I like it when I have a way of telling whether or not I’m doing a good job, whether that’s self checking or if that’s someone telling me.  Probably I’m happiest when I know myself whether or not I’m doing a good job, but that takes a great deal of knowledge over the subject matter.  A good example of that is Mark Study: I don’t need an external party to tell me whether or not I’m doing a good job…  I have a pretty good sense of it because I’ve led it so many times before.

Of course in my current work, I have no clue what my job actually is, let alone whether I’m any good at it, hence much of my frustration with myself and my work environment.  The difficulty is that in a start-up, there may never be a way for me to really know whether or not I’m doing a good job…  so the trick will be to find ways to measure myself in spite of that. 

The other thing that I find helpful is that this is very focused on the things that I like, and not the things that I don’t like.  I have a tendency to want to avoid things that I don’t like and will consider myself satisfied if I’m “free of pain.“  It seems much more helpful, however, to strive for the things that I do enjoy…  and if there’s a little pain in there, I’ll probably still end up happier.

The question they asked me to think about for this week is which of these areas are currently most strongly developed in my life/work…  and which ones are missing?

At work, I’m definitely part of a system (albeit one that’s a bit thrown together).  Other people do things I can’t, don’t want to, or don’t have time for.  I have a decent grasp of the rules of the game, and can contribute effectively to the team.  I increasingly find the freedom to ask questions and challenge the status quo.

In my personal life…  I don’t know, actually.  I’m not really pursuing any of these things that I really enjoy.  In particular, I’m not necessarily pursuing them with T.  In some ways I very much feel that T and I are part of a larger story, but I don’t think we really know what the end of the story is, let alone where the next few chapters may lead.  I also note a particular absence of bringing people together, reading/writing, and exploring cultures.

In both work and personal life, I don’t really have a good way to measure “how I’m doing.“  Perhaps that is what contributes the most to my sense of anxiety…  I don’t know the score, so I always feel like I’m a little behind.

Hmm…  All helpful insights, but how will this help me figure out next steps in my life/work/career?  God?  A little help? 

There and back again: Part I

Camp was a whirlwind of activity. I got off the plane, got picked up and brought to the camp site, and the action never really stopped. (Fortunately, we implemented “naptime” for the kids… and the counselors!) I’m avoiding being deep, so I won’t talk about our sadness that so few parents participated in the program, nor will I talk about the joys of partnering with T and how I look forward to more of that in the future… I will tell you to check out the great Singaporean movie I Not Stupid Too, which is hilarious and poignant at the same time.

After camp finished, T and I went through a whirlwind of meeting the relatives… First a dinner with her mom’s side and then a luncheon with her dad’s side and plenty of toasts and drinking… I may never figure out proper Chinese etiquette! I really enjoyed meeting her relatives, though, and especially the ones that we got to spend more time with. I did okay with my Chinese, I think… Well enough that no one complained about it… at least not to my face!

We also spent time with her friend B in Sanyi, and with my uncle in Taipei. I have almost no recollection of him and his family (having not seen them for 20 years) and it was really a joy to connect with them… especially my cousin and nieces who took us around and were very fun to be with.

Getting back to the U.S. was a bit of an adventure as the computers at customs at LAX broke down and we sat/stood/tried to sleep on the airplane/in the airport for an additional 12 or so hours but we finally made it back to Boston… Hooray!

There and back again: Part II

I’m looking forward to being in Cambridge, spending more time with T, at church… ah, it’ll be good.

Okay, that’s it for now… Just had to get something out there ‘cause Tina’s always saying, “You still haven’t posted anything?”

Wow!  2 weeks of vacation with You-Know-Who (no, not the scary one).

I can’t wait. 

But re: Talents… This is one of the many things I’ve been thinking about in the past few days. You probably know how the parable goes, but roughly, some benevolent-master-type goes off to a distant country, but before he does, he gives his servants some money, each according to their ability. To person #1 (let’s call her Andrea), he gives five talents (which was a pretty hefty sum of money), to person #2 (Boris), he gives two, and to Chucky, he gives a measly one. He gave to each in accordance with their abilities. Well, they do various stuff with the money and then after a while he comes back. Andrea has made five on top of her original five, Boris has made two on top of his original two, and Chucky just buried his in the ground and gives him the original one back. The master is really happy with Andrea and Boris, but rips into Chucky.

So what have I been thinking about? Seems straightforward enough, doesn’t it? I’d never really paid a whole lot of attention beyond “Be like A or B. Don’t be like C.” As I’ve been thinking about it some more, though, I realized that that a lot of my angst has been trying to figure out whether I was A or B, and fearing that I was C. Let me explain:

The “problem” with this parable is that it’s too neat. A has 5 and makes 5 and the master is happy. B has 2 and makes 2. But what if A had 5 and made 2? What if A made 6? Would the master be more happy? Less? And as I asked above, are we A or B and how do we know when we’ve made “enough”? Perhaps that’s the wrong question, but I think it has to be asked.

Not to be arrogant or anything, but I’ve always considered myself to be A. Most everyone who’s reading this is A too… middle-class or higher in the U.S. and college educated. Yeah, we’ve been given a lot of “talents.” This, of course, means that I want to get A’s return on investment. But how do you define that? See the problem?

Part of why I’m on my current career path is because I’m trying to make sure I make my five more. As the VP (and eventually Prez or COO or some other similar title) of a growing business, I’m making a case for the next company that I work for. I think it’s honestly tough for an Asian American to get noticed in the workplace, and so I’m making the most of a place where I’ve already proven myself and been given some reward for it. The next place (hopefully somewhere like World Vision) or something, I’ll theoretically just get to execute rather than working myself up again from the bottom.

Since I don’t really know how God measures things, my best measure is the world’s standards where people who make money and have influence are considered “better.” And having money and influence and using them for God’s purposes… I find it tough to imagine that that’s not at least somewhat useful.

But is it five talents? That’s the question, and I don’t know the answer to that. I’ve probably already disregarded some career paths because I figured I couldn’t make the right ROI in them. I think (subconsciously), “Yeah, that might be an interesting career path, but I could make three, maybe four tops, there.”

But as we know, God’s measurements have always been upside-down, so someone like Mother Teresa, whose career path I probably wouldn’t have even considered (donation-supported caring for the terminally ill), has made a few thousand talents off what she was given. And I’m left to wonder, how do I really contribute the most to God’s purposes? How does my one small life make a difference for the poorest of the poor? How do I effect justice in an unjust world? Probably not by becoming some cog in the machine at World Vision (faithful as they are).  But where?  How?

As you might imagine, this becomes even more important now that I’m engaged.  My fiancée has such talent and vision that if I don’t find my voice, I’m liable to get overpowered and subsumed in hers.  Fortunately, I know that we both have the potential for even greater voices than we have right now, so I don’t worry too much about it…  but I know that if I’m complacent and I stop looking, then, well, she’d be marrying the wrong guy.  I don’t think she is.  :)  I think we’re very right for each other!

So…  What do you think?  How many talents were you given, and how do you measure the talents you’ve earned?  (And I know that’s probably the wrong question, so what is the right question?)  I know we’re all still figuring stuff out, but I’d like to think we know a little bit more than what we knew back in college…

The first session (maybe the first three sessions at the rate I’m going?) was about “my story.” Basically, I was asked to share vignettes about my life. I started sharing and barely 5 minutes into the story L interrupted and said that this would be a good time for some Listening Prayer. We didn’t stop for it at that time, though I’ve spent a little time since then trying to discern what God might be saying.

A few themes have emerged so far for my life though… There are questions of achievement and my notions of success; there’s a theme of good being called out vs. external pressures being applied; questions about my attitudes towards discipline and to grace…

Success

Fortunately, I have an incredible woman by my side who is devoted to me and to helping me find those dreams. Sorry! I’m not going to get sidetracked, much as I’d like to.

But as I was saying, there are certain things that I’ve considered pursuing (med school back in college, and business school more recently), because they seemed to be a “better” use of my talents. No, you don’t need to lecture me about my skewed value system that places some careers as “better” than others (or at least that won’t be the best way to reach me), but there’s definitely still an internal value system that I have which puts some blinders on me, I know.

At some level, I just want to make my parents proud. At another level, I want to make my Daddy in Heaven proud. I know I could do that if I found a career that I really excelled at, and really loved, but at some level my parents’ theory is that if I don’t know what I want to do yet, why not at least do well at what you’re doing in the meantime. It’s hard to argue with that logic, except that I don’t particularly enjoy what I’m currently doing. At least I feel a little better about work right now than I have for a while…

Maybe it’s fine to write this online. I’m so stream-of-consciousness that I’m sure most people have stopped reading. Phew!

But yeah… really, ultimately what I want to find is something that I really love doing. I know some elements of that… it will make a positive impact in people’s lives, probably for the poorest in the world… actually, that’s all I really know right now. No idea what it will be, or what my path will be to get there. But I’m excited to find out!

Being called out

I think I do well when people see “greatness” in me and call it out. But I do much less well when I am named something but not allowed to fulfill that role. Case in point: “Director of Technology” at TechMission or “Vice President” at my current company. In both cases I have the title, but, I think, little of the actual responsibility, which I find/have found extremely demotivating.

Hmm… The problem with that, I guess, is that eventually people stop calling you out and you start needing to call others. I suppose that the one who will always be able to call me, and in fact knows my real name is God. So I need to listen for his voice.

Discipline & Grace

Well… Those are the main three themes (so far), and my current responses to those. I suppose I should pray some more and see what God is saying into each. I also think I need to (as an aside) upgrade my WordPress installation one of these days… I think the input window in the new version is more conducive to these sorts of long posts… The current window isn’t really doing it for me.

And I hope not too many of you think this is self-indulgent tripe. My hope is that as I get into the habit of writing more, the quality and relevance to people who are not me will increase. But you gotta start with what you’ve got, and this is where I am right now. Enjoy!