tubby, little, cubby, all stuffed with fluff

So this morning I went to my first session with S and L Walker, for “personal Life/Work Direction.” It feels like a really indulgent thing to do, but there have been many people who have benefited from their wisdom and insight before, and the company is helping with the bills, so what have I got to lose? They encouraged me to start keeping a journal about the things I’m learning. I’m not sure it’s entirely wise to do so online, but hey… Why not? At least for now…

The first session (maybe the first three sessions at the rate I’m going?) was about “my story.” Basically, I was asked to share vignettes about my life. I started sharing and barely 5 minutes into the story L interrupted and said that this would be a good time for some Listening Prayer. We didn’t stop for it at that time, though I’ve spent a little time since then trying to discern what God might be saying.

A few themes have emerged so far for my life though… There are questions of achievement and my notions of success; there’s a theme of good being called out vs. external pressures being applied; questions about my attitudes towards discipline and to grace…

Success

This may be the issue that I will keep coming back to again and again. Pretty core to my identity is the question of whether I’ve done well enough, if I’ve made good enough use of what has been given to me. I recognize that I am one who has been given a lot. And a lot of my personal angst has been about whether I’m making good use of it. I feel a little tied in pursuing my dreams, because some things that might be dreams seem a little foolish or a “waste” of my talents. The problem is, I don’t really know what my most core dreams are, what story I’m to be a part of, not fully yet anyway. I think if I knew that with certainty, then feelings of “waste” be d**ned… I would pursue my dreams. I hope that that’s true anyway. But I know that I still need some help finding those dreams.

Fortunately, I have an incredible woman by my side who is devoted to me and to helping me find those dreams. Sorry! I’m not going to get sidetracked, much as I’d like to.

But as I was saying, there are certain things that I’ve considered pursuing (med school back in college, and business school more recently), because they seemed to be a “better” use of my talents. No, you don’t need to lecture me about my skewed value system that places some careers as “better” than others (or at least that won’t be the best way to reach me), but there’s definitely still an internal value system that I have which puts some blinders on me, I know.

At some level, I just want to make my parents proud. At another level, I want to make my Daddy in Heaven proud. I know I could do that if I found a career that I really excelled at, and really loved, but at some level my parents’ theory is that if I don’t know what I want to do yet, why not at least do well at what you’re doing in the meantime. It’s hard to argue with that logic, except that I don’t particularly enjoy what I’m currently doing. At least I feel a little better about work right now than I have for a while…

Maybe it’s fine to write this online. I’m so stream-of-consciousness that I’m sure most people have stopped reading. Phew!

But yeah… really, ultimately what I want to find is something that I really love doing. I know some elements of that… it will make a positive impact in people’s lives, probably for the poorest in the world… actually, that’s all I really know right now. No idea what it will be, or what my path will be to get there. But I’m excited to find out!

Being called out

One interesting story I related had to do with my four years in Marching Band. One aspect that S & L found intriguing was why I was so dedicated to the group seeing as the directors were not particularly hailed as inspiring. There were a lot of reasons for that I’m sure, having to do with the history of the band, and my friendships with other people who joined with me, but one that I hadn’t thought of before was being called out and named. In particular, as a freshman trumpet player, I was called to join the first trumpet section. In my four years in the band, that was never done again (well, except that my friend M was called to be in the first trombones that same year). I think part of my hard work was because I wanted them to know that they had made no mistake in naming me among the first trumpets.

I think I do well when people see “greatness” in me and call it out. But I do much less well when I am named something but not allowed to fulfill that role. Case in point: “Director of Technology” at TechMission or “Vice President” at my current company. In both cases I have the title, but, I think, little of the actual responsibility, which I find/have found extremely demotivating.

Hmm… The problem with that, I guess, is that eventually people stop calling you out and you start needing to call others. I suppose that the one who will always be able to call me, and in fact knows my real name is God. So I need to listen for his voice.

Discipline & Grace

Also on the subject of Marching Band, but also in life in general, I have been a highly principled person, highly sensitive to right and wrong, and able to commit unflaggingly to what I consider “right.” There is potential for enormous strength in this, in loyalty and in discipline. But the problem is there’s not a whole of room for grace in this, for the ability to adjust to what God is doing and how he is leading. I think about my relationship with my good friend and former roommate F. He taught me a lot about grace over the years, when I was inflexible towards him. Hopefully I have been living with that sort of grace towards T as well… I think I’ve learned a lot in this area. The struggle, perhaps, is to learn to cling with that discipline to God, and to thereby be sensitive to the way he gives grace.

Well… Those are the main three themes (so far), and my current responses to those. I suppose I should pray some more and see what God is saying into each. I also think I need to (as an aside) upgrade my WordPress installation one of these days… I think the input window in the new version is more conducive to these sorts of long posts… The current window isn’t really doing it for me.

And I hope not too many of you think this is self-indulgent tripe. My hope is that as I get into the habit of writing more, the quality and relevance to people who are not me will increase. But you gotta start with what you’ve got, and this is where I am right now. Enjoy!

There aren’t many people who read this who don’t read T’s, but for those who haven’t heard… yesterday was significant.

As she states, details will be forthcoming, and definitely follow JKoolayd’s link in the meantime.

Update: Details now here. I did write SOME of it, and perhaps this weekend I’ll write it from my perspective.

CRAZY!

Face Off: Reenactment of a True Story

This is simply priceless.

It’s the first time in a long time that I feel somewhat rested during the weekend (read: I feel like taking some time to post). I think it has a lot to do with my cutting back on hours during work… March and April were killer months for me, but I’ve retreated a lot from my work life, which has been very good!

I think I’ve also been thinking about some things that I don’t really know what to do with yet.

The Spirit of the Disciplines: Secrecy

I was really struck by the concept of “secrecy” as presented by Dallas Willard’s The Spirit of the Disciplines. In brief, the idea is that it’s good to keep our good deeds and qualities from being known. I think this is one of Jesus’ teachings that I’ve read, but filtered out as being unrealistic (there are more of those, I’m sure). Or I’ve read it through the lens of Asian American self-degradation (oh, I’m not very good at that) and summarily rejected it as an unhealthy view of self.

The truth is I want people to know when I’ve done something good. It’s hard to hold it back. Sure, I may cloud it with reasoning like, “I want to challenge people to give more and a good way is by showing how much I give.” Or it’s because it rankles my sense of justice when I (or anyone else) am not recognized for the things I (or they) have done. But ultimately, I think it damages my ability rely on God alone as my only source. I don’t say this in a Dark Ages, “consign yourself to a life of misery for an eternity of joy” sort of way, but… I just think that if Christianity is to have any consistency, God must be our ultimate source of… well… everything.

Willard goes on to point out that the love and humility that this teaches “encourages us to see our associates in the best possible light, even to the point of our hoping they will do better and appear better than us.” This is the point I find most intriguing. It is very difficult for me to wish better for others than myself. I’m content to wish good for someone after I’ve achieved it first… but before me? That’s painful to me and, I suspect, to most people.

(I consider it a point of no small joy that as far as I can tell, I wish T’s success even above my own. It tells me there’s something right about our relationship. )

This point is the most intriguing of all because Willard says: “Really pull for them and rejoice for their successes. If Christians were universally to do this for each other, the earth would soon be filled with the knowledge of God’s glory.” I believe there’s merit in this line of thinking. But we are a competitive and selfish people… It’s so natural that most of the people I was studying this with had no sense at all that there is anything wrong with desiring acknowledgment and praise from other people (rather than from God alone), despite what we had just read in the Bible. I do not doubt that it feels good, but when is how good something makes us feel ever been the best judge of whether or not it is good for us?

What I don’t know, though, is how to move towards this way of thinking. Perhaps the beginning is just to pray for a changed heart for myself and for the genuine good of others.

A Culture of Wealth

On my way back to my apartment the other day, I saw a little child in a very simple stroller, like the kind I used to ride in when I was a child. I was struck by this because I realized I never see strollers like that at my church. All the strollers that I see are extremely fancy and probably cost $100 or more. And while there’s nothing inherently wrong with that, it struck me that that had become so normal to me. Though I have a desire to “live simply so that others my simply live,” I realize that I need other voices to keep reminding me. It is difficult to be in the world but not of it… the more we are in the world, the more it influences us. I desire for people (starting with T) with whom I can challenge the presuppositions of the world.

A good place to start or continue on that road will be at Pastor Gary’s seminar on “It’s Just Money” (with the play on words in “just”). I’ll be attending the session this Saturday (5/19) at CCFC from 10:30-3:30 and I’d encourage anyone who has thought at all about God and money to join us. (RSVPs to Gary would probably be appreciated.)

So anyway… Just a few of the things that I’ve been thinking about more recently. Hopefully I will continue to have the mental space to write about it… and hopefully that will mean that my writing will begin to improve again. We’ll see!

P.S. Thanks for all the congratulations and well-wishes! It’s exciting to know that people from all over the world are happy for us!

Sorry… again unconnected to my life.

I’ve been tracking a site called Giveaway of the Day for a little while but haven’t really found anything worthwhile. Today there’s a utility program called Glary Utilities that seems pretty helpful to me.

I haven’t tested most of the functionality out yet so be careful, but it seems to have a lot of nice abilities. The Giveaway rules state that it needs to be installed today, so I think it’s worth at least checking out, especially if you feel like your (Windows) computer has been running slower and slower.

So… The second worst thing that happened on February 17th was that I slipped and fell on the ice while taking out the garbage on my way to California and I shattered the LCD on my until-recently trusty computer. (The worst thing was that my absolutely wonderful girlfriend woke up with a terrible case of food poisoning.)

You can see the results of the carnage here:

Getting it repaired by IBM/Lenovo would have cost about $1000 which I wasn’t willing to pay. I could have gotten a brand new LCD from ScreenTek who seemed pretty reputable. In the end, though, I decided to buy a used LCD and cover off of eBay for a total of about $165. (I figured that the hardware is starting to get obsolete, so shelling out $400 for a brand new LCD wasn’t worth it. Of course, I have some concerns that my replacement cover is from a T40, but I still have the original inverter and other parts from my computer, so I figure I can swap those in if anything fails.)

Anyway, I just wanted to record my process and some of the “gotchas” along the way.

1. (of course) Unplug the power cord and the battery pack.
2. Remove the keyboard and wristpad/bezel screws from the bottom of the computer. They have little pictures to indicate the correct screws. The keyboard screws have a little picture of a keyboard and the wristpad screws have a rectangle with 4 little dots on it (there are a lot of these). Of course, you’ll want to keep the screws in a safe place and preferably separated by number (each screw hole should have a number by it to tell you which screw fits). You may not need to remove the section that has the touchpad, but I did… To remove that, you’ll need to use a small screwdriver or blade to remove the screw covers.
3. Remove the keyboard. This may be helpful. It basically comes right off with a little pressure. You may want to snap off the separate plastic piece on top of the power button/volume/Access IBM buttons… That just came off on mine while I was fiddling with stuff. Be a little careful with the keyboard connector, but I didn’t have any problems.
4. Remove the touchpad piece. As I mentioned before, I’m not sure that this is necessary, but I did it. Again, it came right off and be a little careful with the connector.
5. Remove the rest of the bezel. I needed to remove an additional screw on the top of the machine to get this off. It was on the left hand side (as you face the computer) near the PCMCIA slot.
6. Remove the screws for the hinges. These are not labeled but most are obvious. There are 3 on the right and 4 on the left. Each have 2 on the back and 1 on the bottom. The left side has an additional one on top that isn’t revealed until you remove the bezel.

1. Disconnect the antennae from the wireless card. These should snap off with minimal pressure. Just wiggle ‘em around a little.

1. Unthread the antennae carefully from the machine. Note how they go, but it shouldn’t be hard to figure out how to get the new ones in place.
2. Remove lid and swap in new one!

1. Now you just need to reverse the steps from above. Nothing particularly tricky… just be careful.

Voila! I’m working on a good screen again. Hooray!

One minor sadness… I DO have a single misfiring pixel on my screen although it had been working fine before it was sent to me (according to the vendor). I tried to repair it by flashing it with a video file I found here. That didn’t seem to work, but I may try again.

I could, of course, have sent the screen back, but it was enough of an ordeal… I’ll live with it!

See also…

Continuing my “series of things I’ve been working on”, Children of Rural China is one of the most important organizations I’ve been involved with for a number of reasons:

1. I have always had a deep affection for the people of Xinjiang, ever since I spent a summer there in 2000. I’ve wanted to contribute back to a people who have taught me so much!
2. I’m interested in figuring out ways to make significant impact in the world, especially in the arena of education. The challenges often seem insurmountable to me, and yet I believe that smart investment pays big dividends.

1. T is the co-chair.

This past year I’ve been serving as de facto webmaster, and a few months ago I finished a revamping of the website. I’m particularly pleased with a CSS (highly accessible), fairly JavaScript-free menu system, with lots of help from A List Apart. (This is what gets this post the “How-To” tag.)

I’m applying to join the board as the official webmaster and perhaps in other capacities as well. I’m excited about the opportunity to get more involved, though truly deep involvement will probably have to wait until I move back up to Cambridge.

P.S. If you like CRCF’s site, or even if you just like me, would you consider posting a link to the site? I’m trying to bump up its PageRank in Google. Actually, now that I take a look, the PageRank of my website is a big goose egg, and could benefit from link love too.

I was talking with limitingcase tonight and he mentioned that he was intrigued to know what “I’ve been working on,” as I wrote in my last post.

I’m writing today just to let you know not to get your hopes too high… These are rather mundane things. One example is onmylevel.org, a website that my company developed a few months ago for Healthy Futures. I mention it because it’s one of the first sites that we developed that I was really excited about… It’s mostly a series of video clips from teens in the Boston area and their thoughts on a variety of issues like friendship, dating, difficult choices and more.

These kids are pretty insightful and I love that their thoughts are on the web for other kids to learn from them.

Anyway, like I said, don’t get too excited about my posts… but I will try to put out a couple more in the near future.

I know, I know… I should post “real” content. But I love a great deal, and 30 free prints from CVS is pretty darn great.

I have plans to start posting with a little more regularity, to at least show you some of the things I’ve been working on… But not today.