I’m excited to announce that I’m now an uncle twice over! My beautiful niece Kaydence Ainsley was born early this morning!
Yay! I get to meet her in May!
Here’s a picture of her after her first bath! Doesn’t she adorably look like most other babies? But she’s my niece so she’s the cutest!
And just because I’m showing off anyway, here’s a picture of my super cute nephew from just a few days ago. They both get their good looks from me!
This weekend I’ve thought a lot about disconnection and connection. Loneliness and community. In a conversation with one friend, she pointed out that lots of people are lonely. Which I think is really and tragically true. People are built to be in community, so loneliness and isolation are terrible things—and yet distressingly common, even in the church!
Sometimes I regret moving to Fields Corner. There have been a number of things that are really good about the move (new friends, increasing role at TXV), but a lot of things that have been hard (disconnection from church community and many older friends). I’m still trying to figure that out, I guess.
But yeah… There have been many conversations when I’ve learned to my surprise that people who I think of as central in church community have felt on the fringes… And probably lots of people who have been surprised to learn that I have usually felt on the fringe, despite 10 years and many friends.
This is a terrible tragedy because the church ought to be the place of connection, where disparate, sinful people come together and by the power of God are united into a family. Lord, have mercy and teach us how to love in suprising ways.
In spite of these thoughts (or perhaps because of them), I have had a number of great connections this weekend. A raw and real conversation with a dear sister about trusting God in difficult decisions. Insightful discussions with justice-oriented friends. An inspiring brainstorming session with a new friend. An unexpected but thought provoking IM session. These are priceless, and not even all of the things that have happened.
I’ll leave off with some details on the brainstorm. Essentially, a couple of people have put together a neat idea for a website to bridge the gap between Christians and need… In so doing, I imagine this will also help Christians make good connections with each other—for example, someone I know from church had spent an entire year in Xinjiang (one of the places I love most)… And I had had no idea.
But yeah… there are plenty of Christians who want to do more, to leverage their resources for the Kingdom. And there’s plenty of need. But I don’t really think there’s been a good way to connect the two. There are a couple of innovative ideas around this website that make me think there’s some potential here.
Would you (or someone you know) be interested in such a project? Among other critical people, we’re looking for someone who has some knowledge of data mining techniques and someone who has decent web UI skills.
In the meantime, I exhort you (and myself) to continue stepping out in risk and making connections. And may all the glory go to God!
Last night I was going to write something profound about the sermon, praying with Larry, and then hanging out with Larry, Gary, and Jenny (Jennie?) and hearing inspiring stories of their experiences in urban youth ministry.
But, as usual, I didn’t. (I still might when I process through it a little more.)
In the meantime, I leave with you a classic movie trailer. IMHO, it’s really well done: Brokeback to the Future
(I have slight reservations that this could be considered an offensive post. It’s not meant that way at all… I just think it’s put together so well.)
So, a very interesting thing happened this past Thursday, which is largely what prompted my post from Thursday. Someone who used to be in authority over me said a bunch of things which were untrue. He later took them back, but I believe he had no right to say such things in the first place.
He said such things as:
- Your lack of commitment to prior projects shows a lack of the most basic ethics. (This was about work that was fully documented and approved in its handoff process. For example, I was told that my documentation was a model for other people writing documentation.)
- The reason that you respond this way is because you’re racist. (I can’t even begin to explain where this statement comes from… Not saying that I don’t still operate in a system which causes racism—no one’s really innocent in that regard. But I think I have more than the average awareness, and more than the average response to racism.)
- One example of your racism is that you expect appreciation for your work. (This was because I was upset that I busted my butt to finish a special additional project him during a busy time, and did not even receive acknowledgement of receipt, let alone a thank you. (Granted, that I had communicated via email which is a poor method of communication for him, but still… I cannot believe that there is any healthy race/culture where people are not appreciated for their work.))
I think there might have been a couple more things, but these are the only ones that I recall right now, and I’m writing them down partially because I’m so prone to forget. And though these words hold no truth power over me, I cannot let them disappear completely. I think anyone who knows me even halfway decently will know that these allegations are completely unfounded and untrue, and to say such untruths… Let’s just say it’s not chool.
In his defense, I’ll point out that he responded this way because he thought that I had called to tell him that I would never do anything for him again, and he had a project that he urgently needed finished and I’m more or less the only person he knows who can do it, plus he’s under a lot of stress right now. Still, I’d contend that even if that were true, it doesn’t make any of the things he said about me true.
Oh, writing this reminds me of one more thing he said.
- If you do this to me, I’m going to get you back. (What is that? I think he meant that he would call me out and identify what he perceived about how I was responding, not that he was going to hire thugs or anything, but what does it sound like to you?)
Okay, so here’s the thing that most of you will find pretty crazy. I’m going to do that quick project that he needs done. Now, this project is going to take me a maximum of an hour to do, but I know as well as you do that the healthiest thing for me to do is just to walk away completely from a toxic environment. But listen to my motivations:
- The job will probably take me a half hour. An hour, tops.
- I still care very much about the success of this organization. This project is an important part of its success.
Okay, seems reasonable so far. But keep listening:
- This person is pretty well respected in both the Boston community and the national community. There’s a tiny bit of me that can’t fully disregard what he says because I know so many people who trust him.
- Related to that, he knows a lot of people who know me. There’s the part of me that fears he’s going to spin wild stories about me that will turn people whom I like very much but don’t see regularly against me.
Here’s the kicker though. Hope I’m not giving anyone who reads this too much power over me:
- Truth is incredibly important to me. I hate all sorts of untruths, but the ones I hate the most are the ones spoken about me. I cannot abide by anyone, even someone whom I know I should disregard, saying untruths about me.
Some examples:
- A high school teacher told me that I should not take the AP exam in U.S. History. He told me that I would be lucky to get a 3 on the exam. I took it, mostly just to show him. I got a 5, of course.
- I have a reputation that I can eat a lot (though my appetite has certainly waned in the past couple years as my metabolism has slowed). A friend of mine who has never witnessed me at a buffet (which is usually where I get the reputation) often joked that it’s all lies. To his great credit, last night we were having dinner together, and I brought up some of this stuff that I’m writing about today, and he instantly apologized and didn’t say anything about it again. Clearly he was just joking and having fun, and didn’t realize that I’m so screwy.
So yes. Part of why I’m doing this project is because I want to prove that I’m extremely ethical about my work (just ask my current boss—he knows). I want to prove that I’m not racist (because being racist is unfairly mixed in with whether or not I do the project). I somehow can’t rest in the knowledge that my friends know the truth, or even that God loves me regardless, and will work in me to bring me to a holiness that I can barely imagine.
I know I shouldn’t care what he thinks. But I do. As he said these things about me, I just got more and more angry. But it’s like the old joke about people who are in denial… Their denial of the denial is just more evidence. You can’t win.
And the larger, more pertinent question is this: how much of my life and my life’s decisions have been about proving people wrong about me?
I really don’t know the answer to that question.
God loves you.
Really, he does. I think I’m writing this because sometimes I need the reminder. And maybe you do too.
God loves you.
Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written: “For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.” No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord (Romans 8:35-39).
So be encouraged. And believe that your life means something. You mean something. You actually mean a great deal. God may love many people, but he always loves intentionally. He loves you specifically.
And if anyone out there really needs it (and if I know you, of course), feel free to drop me a line and I’ll be glad to tell you even more specifically how I see God loving you.
Posting about the Simpsons reminded me of a link that my brother sent me a while back.
Sideswipe
edit: you can get the video much faster from Google Video (the clips entitled Transformers Movie or Transformers Test Clip).
They deny that this is actual footage from the upcoming Transformers live action movie, but it’s pretty awesome, regardless. I was just disappointed to find that Sideswipe is no longer a Lamborghini Countach.
Simply classic. Live action Simpsons Intro
edit: Apparently, this link is now broken. Again, just use Google Video and look up Simpsons Intro.
It’s amazing how much easier it is to post random links from the web than it is to post significant thoughts… For example, the APALSA conference gave me a whole lot to think about, but how to process that into something understandable for the web?
The problem (as I think I’ve noted before) is that all my thoughts and ideas get jumbled together, and then when I actually get near a computer, I have no hope of sorting everything out, or to talk about all of the things that are significant. So I end up saying nothing at all.
Clearly an imperfect system, the product of an imperfect mind.
Tonight’s Veritas Forum session was really exceptional for a variety of reasons. Each presenter had a different take on the issue of poverty and how Christians should address it, which allowed a bunch of pretty helpful viewpoints to emerge. Add to that a pretty skilled moderator and a series of insightful questions, and then re-connections with a couple of good friends that I’d lost touch with… It makes for a really good evening.
There’s not really a lot of point in rehashing what each speaker said… a fairly standard liberal/social justice point of view, and two evangelical/social justice points of view, though with different foci (focuses?). All good stuff, and nothing that I really disagreed with though some of the semantic points made for interesting conversation/thought. However, all three panelists certainly aren’t the sort of people who think interesting discussions are an end in and of themselves.
What’s helpful for me, though, is just a simple reconnection with some of the reasons that I moved to Fields Corner in the first place. I’m here ‘cause God loves this place, he loves the people here, and he wants to see a community transformed. But I think he also wants to see me transformed in the experience.
I’ve been holding back from my involvement in TXV and the community for a variety of reasons, but… It’s time. I don’t know exactly what it’s going to look like, but man… I feel poverty only on an intellectual level, and I think I need to get down into the trenches and start crying with people. Not that I think that in and of itself will be enough, but it’s a starting point. Ultimately, I do think my role is on the job creation/wealth generation side of things, but I want to do that with dirty hands and feet.
Yeah… Good stuff. One more panel discussion tomorrow night. Promises to be pretty interesting: a brilliant preacher and a secular humanist talking on how to actually reform/transform individuals and communities. Check it out, if you’ve got time: http://www.veritas.org/Harvard/schedule.htm
So I’ve thought about posting several times in the past couple of days. In my head everything came out really eloquently, but when I got near a computer, I felt like I couldn’t actually express what I was thinking. I still can’t, not very well, but I sort of wanted to get some thoughts out on paper, so to speak. I’ve never been very good about keeping journals, but that’s one of the ways that I’ve been using this space…
So I guess I’d better start from the most recent and work my way backwards until it all vanishes in the haze that comes of having spent too much time memorizing useless information.
Today’s sermon at church was really powerful. I may just have to pick up the tape, or check to see if anyone is going to rip it to MP3. Spoke directly to a lot of things I’ve been feeling, but have had trouble putting to words.
The gist of it is that God loves us a whole lot and chooses to bless us. But we can choose into that blessing, or we can find our blessing in something else. The thing that Gary picked on is success, and yeah… I resonate with that.
The thing that’s really tricky about success is that, of course, success in and of itself is not a bad thing. Neither is working hard, or accomplishing a lot, or even making a lot of money. Neither is it bad to be popular or to have a lot of friends or to be successful in almost any way that I can think of. And yet to put your identity in your success… Well, it’s the wrong source, so ultimately (if that whole crazy Christian thing is true), you’ll find it unfulfilling, especially because there’s pretty much always going to be someone who’s better than you.
Okay, so how does that apply to me? A lot of my angst has been because I’m not as successful as I think I should be, given all of the opportunities and talent I’ve been given. Or sometimes “success” runs counter to what I think God is doing in my life. But I can’t help but compare myself to the people I see around me. And what do I see? I see people dating, getting married, having kids. I see people who buy cars, houses, and the latest gadgets. People who are going to grad school. People who have found their calling. And I sit lost in the middle of it all.
And sure… I have lots of friends, but not that one special person, or even a close group of friends that I spend a lot of time with. I have a pretty good job, with a manager and a CEO who are both genuinely interested in my personal development, but it’s still not the right fit. I’m in an a cappella group who’s making a run for it in the Harmony Sweepstakes, but which is also likely to disband in the summer (and my dream all-male a cappella group from a few years back fell apart only after a few rehearsals).
I’m measuring myself against 50 different criteria and I come up short in all of them (I’m my own harshest critic). But I don’t know what to do, where to go, nor do I want to do something or go somewhere just because it’s something new. I’m the guy who asks what I have to do to inherit eternal life, but I don’t realize it’s the wrong question. I want to make an impact in the world, but I want to figure it out, work towards the goal, do it on my terms. These aren’t bad things, not entirely. But what’s God saying in the midst of all this?
“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places in Christ, just as He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and without blame before Him in love, having predestined us to adoption as sons by Jesus Christ to Himself, according to the good pleasure of His will, to the praise of the glory of His grace, by which He made us accepted in the Beloved. In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins, according to the riches of His grace which He made to abound toward us in all wisdom and prudence, having made known to us the mystery of His will, according to His good pleasure which He purposed in Himself, that in the dispensation of the fullness of the times He might gather together in one all things in Christ, both which are in heaven and which are on earth—in Him. In Him also we have obtained an inheritance, being predestined according to the purpose of Him who works all things according to the counsel of His will, that we who first trusted in Christ should be to the praise of His glory. In Him you also trusted after you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation; in whom also, having believed, you were sealed with the Holy Spirit of promise, who is the guarantee of our inheritance until the redemption of the purchased possession, to the praise of His glory” (Ephesians 1:3-14, NKJV).
That’s a mouthful or ten, and I’m going to have to read it a couple more times before I understand, and a couple more hundred times to believe it. But I also believe the promise is true, and comes from God. True for me, and true for you too, if you want it to be.
I was going to write more, but I think this might be enough for today. But hey… pray for me? I’ll pray for you. 
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